I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
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A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m a self-made hundredaire
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary