Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Its true…
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.