Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
(by @ZachWeiner )
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away