judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Mouse
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”