The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.