Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
ok like just. call me at this point
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea