Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.