An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!