Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.