Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry