If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My work here is done
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Baking is just science you can eat.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
birds and squirrels envy us
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.