I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No