[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”