Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]