I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
You Might Also Like
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here