A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
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My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Beauty and the Beast
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]