I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.