MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
barbara was highly relatable
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know