Thinking outside the box.. 馃槄
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend鈥檚 nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn鈥檛 matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would鈥檝e just named the stupid horse.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
College graduates look awfully happy for people who鈥檒l never have an entire summer off again.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.