Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.