It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“I FIXED IT!”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Phonetics
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”