I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
sensitive skin
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?