Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
reduce, reuse, recycle