Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!