ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..