Jesus steals the winter solstice
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Very good! 👍😂
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life