When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
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Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*