Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers