“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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step 6: release the wall snake
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!