*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”