[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you