A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
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I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Me, flirting😏
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Put a ring on it
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.