*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics