I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.