i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A great tip. #CakeRex
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Solving a traffic jam
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”