that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Anime is real
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.