I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.