ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship