i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
You Might Also Like
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?