Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work đ
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
He said: We canât go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isnât clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You canât go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isnât clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
me logging onto twitter
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didnât say âYouâve missed a bitâ or âYou can do mine next!â and now Iâm questioning whether Iâm even still British.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Just heard my son say to his friend âyouâre probably dumber than your own controllerâ – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but donât call ahead to see if itâs in stock and are like sooo shocked itâs not there. Baby!!! itâs your wedding dress!!! Iâve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered âthis is boringâ and I guess the game is over.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Me: Canât you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No maâam, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Playing âbad guyâ with my daughter and she puts me in jail because âyour tummy bigâ.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, âI do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,â and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: âŚ
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHOâS A GOOD GIRL?!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
My wifeâs driver license should say âBrain Donorâ because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought youâd defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.