Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies