Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.