My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.