Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap