[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.