Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake