TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.