My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I identify as an antique shop.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?