Go hard or stay average
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.