Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash